Case Study #1 Reflection
I should have known that it would always turn out this way, that I would complete the writing project and then hide myself away from it. The wonderful and terrifying thing about the thesis topic I chose for myself is that, in all senses, I chose to study myself. This is especially true for my first case study, the one that I cleaned up and finished last because it hurt so much to engage with. But growth is sometimes painful, and friends, I did grow.
Like the main character of Brian Stanton’s film, @ghostkingdom, I too have been told that my father might have been a rapist. I have not found him yet, but as Brayden explains in the film, I’m inclined to believe that if my mother said it, it’s probably true. I’m a woman and I know how hard it is to get those truthful words over my lips. That’s why analyzing this film was a difficult task for me. It required an academic perspective, but also emotional vulnerability. I had to look myself in the mirror and say out loud, “my pain is portrayed here.” For me to write about this film, I had to pair my work with rigorous therapeutic study on myself, as well. I’m glad I did.
As I began looking for my three case study pieces, Stanton’s film was the first thing I found. I had recently read Betty Jean Lifton’s Journey to the Adopted Self and had this idea that maybe I could take her psychological theory of Ghost Kingdoms and analyze it as a narrative. But first, I had to find some narratives to use as case studies.
So, as I was preparing my own presentation material for my very first Adoption Knowledge Affiliates conference (my first adoption conference!), I saw the social media marketing for the screening of his film that would be available to watch before the Q&A at the conference. I signed up, watched it twice, and knew immediately that it would be perfect. I mean, it was titled @ghostkingdom. It was on the nose!
I was in character as nerd girl the entire Q&A, taking copious notes and asking premeditated questions. I was over the moon to find that Brian was so approachable and helpful. We stayed in contact during the entire project. He was the first one to see his chapter when it was done. I felt then as I feel now that in addition to gaining excellent material for my thesis project, I also gained important insight to myself through his film. I only hope that I have done it justice with the things I’ve said about it.
Autofiction is one of the things I struggled with. There are several conflicting definitions of autofiction out there in academia, but the kind of autofiction I mean to highlight is the kind that he’s accomplished: inspired by his own reunion journey, but distanced by fiction, his piece is simultaneously fictive and a study of the self as he’s struggled with it. This is no autobiographical piece, but it is not an extreme kind of fiction, either. I feel that the adoptee experience is often in gray murky waters, much like our working definitions of autofiction. Even the definitions are confusing; auto refers to the self, and fiction, obviously, refers to a departure from fact. But sometimes, especially for adoptees, fiction IS fact and the self is elusive. Explaining this proved to be a challenge. I’ll probably have to continue working on it as I clean up pieces for journal publication. That’s for future Shannon, though.
As far as the possible worlds go, Brayden’s Ghost Kingdoms are many in this film, and I love the contrast between his childhood daydreams and the fantastical expectations he builds as an adult seeking out reunion. Wild fiction against counterfactuals that could turn out to be true. This contrast allows viewers to see how fluid our Ghost Kingdoms can be, changing with us to provide us with those safe places we need as we need them.
As an added bonus and to further emphasize that my thesis is specifically aimed at the adoptee community, I’m also quite honored to share Greg Santos’ poem with you. You’ll find it tucked into the first case study’s chapter page. Much like Stanton’s film, Santos’ poem muses on the role of fathers and ghosts from an adoptee’s perspective. I think it fits perfectly here, and I hope you take the time to read some of his other excellent works.
As I’ve written in my introductory chapter, narratives that include Ghost Kingdom elements use a unique mixture of narrative elements to achieve their purpose which is to highlight a significant gap present in the self, something adoptees know well. This case study perfectly demonstrates the foundation of my argument which is that Ghost Kingdoms can be possible worlds in narrative form and that these fantasies are built as coping mechanisms. I’m a big fan, hope you are, too.
